Let's Talk About: Institutional Courage and Naming Harm

A community question

Shelter Island in Point Loma, San Diego, at night

Hello and TGIF!

I wrote about something recently that I’m not done talking about because it matters.

A lot.

It’s called DARVO.

The term was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, founder of Center for Institutional Courage. DARVO stands for:

Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender

And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

As I wrote about earlier this week, DARVO shows up everywhere - in government, workplaces, media, and families. It’s pervasive. And the harm is real.

Those of us with relational and betrayal trauma histories feel it even more acutely. It hits deeper. It activates our nervous system and protective system faster.

Many of us, especially women and women of color, learned early that it’s ‘not ok’ to make waves. We were taught to worry about the consequences for others rather than demand accountability. We were taught to smile. Endure. Absorb.

That cycle needs to end.

There are many paths to culture change.

And right now, the leaders who give me hope are the ones willing to face hard truths. The ones who can tolerate discomfort. The ones who listen instead of deflect.

I see it in my clients every day. They stop managing everyone else’s defensiveness and start tending to their own activations first. They regulate. They ground. Then they lead — thoughtfully, boldly — even in the presence of conflict and power-over dynamics.

Institutional courage does not emerge without individual courage.

It requires you to name what you see. To call for transparency. To insist on accountability.

So I want to hear from you. Tell me in the comments:

How do you respond to defensiveness and deflection around you?
Where are you seeing this dynamic play out in your places of work, at home, in your community?

With you -
Rebecca

Ps… In case you missed it, here’s my conversation with Soraya Chemaly on The Unburdened Leader podcast where we talk more about this topic.